Alcoholocaust-or what we do in the shadows (of October 29th.)

 Recipes. 

Yes, traveling the traverse of bottled up (pun intended) cocktail recipes that have been bubbling around in my brain before I host the most epic Halloween party known to man. 

Yes, I'm being serious.

My yearly Halloween bash is like a bunch of late 40 to early 50-something's acting like a bunch of frat party douchebags-slopping ranch dip down their ridiculously over-planned costumes and drinking too much-everything until someone pukes into their lapel and holds it there all night.
We don't even know it happened until we wake up the next morning and the smell hits us.
Febreze is the word of the day. 

But...

See, we're adults now. 

So-we spend actual money on costumes and "things".
We don't do the 21-year-old sheet with a belt toga, or plastic fangs and a black plastic tablecloth tied around your neck. Or the ever present at every party on a budget hobo with your girlfriends mascara stubble and a bandana tied on a stick. 
Refreshments consisting of a lone sub sandwich cut into two-inch slices, a bag of corn chips and a crock of gas station bean dip that someone snagged on the way over. 
We don't do a keg of Natty Light, and a bottle of Fireball.  

Nope.
Because we're adults, we have full tables of charcuterie, cocktail napkins and tiny forks with a warm brie and baguettes, prop blood bags or syringes full of Chambord to add to your champagne flutes. 

This is a grown-up party. We don't DO corn chips, here. 

Harumph harumph harumph...indeed. Respectable AF.

So, anyway-I spend months coming up with dank-ass cocktails that will please the palate of old people. AKA-Us.
Me and my peeps. The same peeps that will, once a year get completely and thoroughly laced and have to sleep on my carpet because they can't drive. (Too many syringes.) 

Just like a frat party. Only with better food and drinks. 

Mind you, the rest of the year's parties are all over by 11 pm, people are yawning and rubbing their bellies from over-indulgence of food, and not even really drunk.
Just, um...old-and we have to mow the lawn tomorrow. 

But, my yearly Halloween rager is called the alcoholocaust for a reason. Mass casualties.
We give ourselves permission to act like complete idiots.
And... we do. 

Usually the idiocy is because-too many cocktails. My crowd pleasers-to be exact.

This year's concoctions are off the chain-if I do say so, myself. And I DO. Duh.

Today, I'm feeling generous so-I'm sharing them with you. 

Feel lucky. They really ARE awesome. 

So, without further ado...some really tasty cocktail recipes developed by yours truly.
Enjoy.
Make them.
Share them. 

Be nice. 

Zombie juice: (for the wordless, undead, in all of us)

1 oz vodka
1 oz Midori liqueur
Pineapple juice ice cubes x6 (freeze pineapple juice overnight)
1/2 oz prosecco or moscato
Mint leaf garnish

Add pineapple ice cubes to a tall collins glass. 
Add Midori and vodka to a metal shaker with ice. Shake well. 
Pour over pineapple cubes, add Prosecco float. Garnish with mint leaves and a wheel of honeydew melon.

Urine Control: (they say the first morning's is good for you)

1.5 oz. Amaretto liqueur
1 oz. Limoncello
Moscato or champagne float

Stir with ice in a metal shaker glass. Strain into a coupe. Garnish with a lemon twist. Serve with a very short clear straw or plastic tubing-mimicking a catheter. Don't sleep on the straw-it makes the drink. 

Mudblood: (Hermione Grainger never had it so good)

1/4 oz Kahlua coffee liqueur
1/4 oz Amaretto liqueur
1 oz espresso coffee or coffee concentrate
1/4 oz Smirnoff whipped cream vodka
1 tbsp simple syrup
2 dollops of real whipped cream
Three whole coffee beans

Whip the espresso with 1 dollop of whipped cream-set aside. 

In a shaker add: Kahlua, Amaretto, Vodka, and simple syrup. 
Shake over ice until the cup sticks to your hand. Don't shake too vigorously-it WILL break. 
Add the contents of the shaker to a chilled, large, martini glass. Whisk the espresso and whipped cream one more time to refroth if needed.
Add to the top of the liqueur. 

Add second dollop of whipped cream on top of the froth, and top that with the three coffee beans. 

Apple pie: (Don't stick your dick in this one-it's cold.)

1 oz apple vodka
1/2 oz Fireball whiskey
1/2 oz Frangelico liqueur
1/2 oz heavy whipping cream
2 tbsp apple sauce-strained. 
Whipped cream
Cinnamon
Gingerbread cookie

Push apple sauce through a fine mesh strainer to decrease lumps. Set aside. 
In a shaker-add Fireball, Frangelico, and vodka.
Shake vigorously over ice.
Add whipping cream to shaker and stir lightly until incorporated.
Add strained applesauce to shaker and stir again.
Pour into a large martini glass. 
Garnish with whipped cream, sprinkle with cinnamon and grate gingerbread cookie over whipped cream. 

I Put A Spell On You: (when you want to make them your love slave)

1 oz Roses blueberry syrup
1 oz orgeat
2 oz The Botanist gin
1/2 oz french vanilla syrup
1 dash purple lustre dust 
1 tsp dry ice
Fresh blueberries

Mint leaves

Combine all liquids into a shaker over ice-stir gently.
Add lustre dust and stir again-gently until combined. 
Add one tsp of dry ice to the bottom of a large coupe.
Pour contents of shaker over the dry ice-slowly. 
Cocktail will smoke at this point. It looks bitchin. Yes, it's safe-just warn the drinker NOT to drink the ice itself. It sinks to the bottom and will stay there-but should not touch lips. Tell them to sip and NOT slam and it will be 100% fine.  
Spear three fresh blueberries on a sword or pick. Lay on the side of glass. Add mint leaves. 

Pixies bloody revenge: (Because what else do pixies really do?)

2 oz Chambord liqueur 
1 oz Blavod black vodka
1 oz raspberry preserves 
1 oz sweet and sour mix
Moscato float
Fresh Raspberries
1 cherry candy dust (ie) pixie stick or pink lik-m-aid candy

White corn syrup
Red food coloring

Mix 1 tbsp of corn syrup with red food coloring. Set aside. 

Roll three raspberries in (pixie) candy dust until well coated Set aside. 

Push raspberry preserves through a fine metal strainer-removing all seeds-you should have only pulp left.
Add to metal shaker.
Add Chambord, Blavod, and Sweet and sour mix to metal shaker over ice.
Stir well. 
Rim a chilled, large, martini glass with your corn syrup mixture-heavily until it drips down the sides of the glass mimicking dripping blood. 
Add mixture to a large martini glass, float with Moscato. 
Garnish with the three candied raspberries-speared-lay on rim. 

Release The Kraken: (Full of tentacles and flavor)

2 oz The Kraken spiced rum
1.5 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
2.5 oz Coconut cream OR Pina colada mix 
2 oz pineapple juice

3 sour candy gummy strips (Airheads or Sourpatch)
1 large lemon wedge
Two actual sword picks

Add all contents to a blender. Blend until smooth. 
Color should be a turquoise blue. 
Add all contents to a squat hurricane glass. 

To make the sailing ship garnish:
Spear two candy strips to each pick-making into a C-shape. 
Spear both picks into the lemon wedge and add to top of slush. 

It should look like this: (it takes some time, but it looks so cool)

Anyway-these will satisfy your guests, or-YOU. Whatever. 

Drink responsibly. Don't eat the dry ice. 

If you puke in your lapel-for the love of God-clean it up. 

And don't actually drink urine. Cause, gross. 

Have a drink on me, 

T