So you say you wanna be a tender?

I'm sure that when your 9th grade guidance counselor asked you: "So, little Johnny/Kevin/Karen-what do you want to be when you grow up"

You absolutely answered:

"I'd like to work in the most dysfunctional place in the world where alcoholics and drug addicts burrow in and never leave. I'd like to clean up metric tons of vomit, and give psychotherapy and divorce advice for free, and I'd especially love to be berated by a full on jackwagon of a 'general manager' who got his associates degree in business administration from his local junior college and drives a Dodge Stratus. I really want to eat standing up, chain smoke-standing up, sleep-standing up, have sex in the bathroom stall -standing up, and cry in a walk-in cooler when I get overwhelmed. I really want to lift and pull things twice my weight and super-punch soda syrup boxes until my knuckles bleed. I would like to also-cut thousands of lemons with those same bleedy knuckles and raw palms from opening bottles with my bare hands when my douche-canoe of a bartner steals mine. Oh and, I want to always smell like beer or liquor. I mean, every day. I want the smell of Miller Lite to seep from my pores even if I haven't had even a sip of it.
That's what I want to be when I grow up! Do you know of any careers like that?"

The guidance counselor-mouth agape, and arms akimbo; says: "Yes...it's called rocket surgeon. We'll explore that more later, go back to class, Kevin."

But seriously. 

You say you want to be a bartender? 

I don't think you do. I'm internally laughing about this. 

Bartenders are a fairly odd lot, and a rare unicorn brand of folk-in tandem. A lot of people think they want to become a tender-but actually, they really just want to prove to others, and themselves that they are cool enough to mix a proper cosmopolitan. 

We can get into the reasons that most people who think this is the coolest gig ever, rarely stay in the profession-but, I think you can derive why by reading the fictional and attempt at comedy paragraph above. It's literally less glam than janitorial work. And truly...it's mostly THAT-janitorial work. So, I will spare you some long annoying list of the reasons that plebes really do not want to do this and bore you with a different list. 

What you truly want is to know the booze. You want to be able to mix a good drink. You don't need to know beyond that really. And once you know basics, you can fly like a bird through all of those flashy variations. 

So, what you are going to need to do this is invest in a thorough and comprehensive bartending guidebook. 

NO...NOT AN INTERNET WEBSITE. NOT GOOGLE. NOT BING. NO.
DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT- RELY ON THE INTERNET FOR THIS TASK. 

I'll explain why. 

Because the internet is far too overwhelming and is a clusterfuck of misinformation and mish-mashy recipes that are typically thrown out by an amateur themselves.
OR, by a line cook or chef, or home-styling guru who assumes they know the true-true. Trust me. They don't. 

A book. You know, a paper book-like they used to use a millennia ago, like, in the 80's? 
A book that you actually have to read yourself. NOT an audiobook for the love of God. 

Go to Barnes and Noble and pick up an actual book. BUY one. Don't use the library-you'll need it for a long time. And also, if used correctly for its real intention, you'll likely spill some sticky red alcohol or juice on it. So, just buy it. 

A weathered copy is battle worn-and this is the training for operation alcohol slinger. Don't worry, the book won't explode after you read it. Unless you are learning flaming shots-in which case, a little char on the corner of the spine never killed anyone. 

There's probably a drink called napalm out there somewhere, anyway. 

So-here's that list I'm about to bore you with. 

The best bartending guidebooks on the market. (In no particular order)

1. The Joy of Mixology by: Gary Regan. 

This book covers the history of cocktails, including bartending etiquette, techniques, and tools.
There are also 300-plus cocktail recipes you can play around with. 
Why you should read this book:
Gary's format of categorizing cocktails makes it very easy to memorize classics and derive from those-your own variations. 

2. Tiki-Modern Tropical Cocktails by: Shannon Mustipher

This book is all about the blenders. Which happen to be a favorite at most parties. The people who don't typically drink don't mind having one in their hand to be social, and they are easy to drink and tasty. So-it's a fitting entertaining cocktail read. This book also guides you through fresh juices homemade syrups, and frisky tropical flavors. 
Why you should read this book:
For everything blended/slushie style-the author goes into a lot of detail and keeps it fresh and fantastic. Not many pre-made mixers here. 

3. The Bar Book by: Jeffrey Morganthaler

According to Jeffrey there are three elements to making a great cocktail: recipe, ingredients, and technique. This tender wholeheartedly agrees. There's legit an entire chapter dedicated to shaking cocktails. (And you all know how I feel about that) It's ridiculously comprehensive and well written. This guy knows his stuff. 
Why you should read this book:
To learn how and why to employ unique bartending techniques and do it well. 

4. Death & Co. by: David Kaplan, Alex Day, and Nick Fauchald.

In this amazing read-the authors explore their fascinating world of tending. A world of craft cocktails, infusions, philosophy, techniques, and more. Altogether, a complete education in making balanced cocktails from scratch. 
Why you should read this book:
To take your mad skillz to the next level and truly-learn from some of the best tenders in the world. 

5. The Drunken Botanist by: Amy Stewart

Holy shit is this book amazing. Seriously-one of my favorites. "
Do you know what a distillation is? What about fermentation? Do you know what whiskey is made from? I didn't-until I read this book ten years ago. Lifetime learner here! 
This book is interesting, funny, and scarily easy to read. 
Why you should read this book:
It will give you a fantastic foundational knowledge of liquor. 

6. The Craft of The Cocktail by: Dale DeGroff

For learning basic techniques, I'd highly recommend this book to anyone-from beginner to pro. The author is high credited with the resurgence of fresh fruit and juice in this generation's cocktail list compared to the dark days of heavily laced sour mixes and flamboyant disco drinks. 
Why you should buy this book:
For its refreshing take on how to mix simple balanced drinks, with easygoing explanations and user-friendly techniques. 

7. The Cocktail Codex by: David Kaplan, Alex Day, and Nick Fauchald.

Yes, another one by these geniuses behind the stick. This one is a must have. The Cocktail Codex explains the six "root recipes" -which IS different version of the mother cocktails. The Old-Fashioned, martini, daquiri, sidecar, whisky highball (manhattan) and a flip. This book designs a roadmap to building these and other cocktails and breaks down drinks to their most basic categories. Genius stuff. 
Why you should buy this book:
Because in addition to the beautiful photography-the book makes neat work for the casual home bartender with easy to read infographics and charts to help set example to the components of those root drinks and beyond. It also gives you the tools you need to improvise and create your own recipes. 

8. Mr. Boston's Bartender Guide Edited and compiled by:
Leo Cotton

The bartender bible. Usually found behind or in a drawer of every bar in America and beyond-this one is the standard. You need a root cocktail, a mother cocktail, or a basic drink of any sort. This is where you find when you need as a true beginner and someone who wants the measurement and ingredients of your concoction. While considered by some-"old school" there is no match on the basics. EVERY home bar should have one. EVERY ONE. This guide is the culmination of 80 years of quintessential cocktail history. 
Why you should buy this book:
Other than the above reasons and because, I said so, damnit-but also because this book contains over 1500 expertly chosen cocktail recipes. There is no guidebook or anthology that is more comprehensive. 

I was going to post images of all of the books, but alas...something is glitchy and the server is rejecting images for some reason. However-they are easily found on the net-But please, don't download anything-I implore you to purchase these. 
You'll want them at hand, and you'll love them once you do. 
Additionally-books like The Cocktail Codex make awesome coffee-table books and make you look like you know stuff...even if you are just starting out. 

So Kevin and Karen...it's okay to want to know more, just do something classier than bartending. Like stripping or drug dealing. 

There's no harm in learning a little about some drinks, however. So, pick up these gems and get to schoolin' 

I'm not foolin' 

Until we meet again, the curious concotion-eers. 

XOXO, 

Gossip Girl.