A little in the middle.

When you order a cocktail what is the first thing you see? 

Hint: It's not the booze, the glass, or the hand pushing it to you. 

IF it is mixed by an expert-the answer is always-

The garnish. 

When you order a plate of food and the server presents it to you, the garnish is merely perfunctory, it makes the dish look pretty, but typically-while edible, it rarely gets eaten. (Unless you happen to be my husband, who eats everything on his plate and sometimes uses his finger to swipe, and lick clean-I have often wondered of experimentation with edible dinnerware) 

But, I digest. 

When you order a cocktail, however, the garnish was designed and meant to be complimentary to the flavor and specifically for consumption. It serves a dual purpose of helping to finish the drink, and add a spike to the entire profile. 

What's the big deal? 

The big deal is...the garnish in a cocktail is important, necessary, and I'll even go as far as to say-the entire drink is non-finished without it. It WILL inevitably lack its encompassing genese que without it. 

Servers...this is not a buffet. I will cut a bitch.

So, let's talk about types of garnishes to drinks, how they should look and what they add or diminish in your favorite drink.

Manhattans: 

Traditional manhattans have three maraschino cherries on the swizzle and nothing more. It's simple, adds sweetness to the elixir, looks classic and clean, and is pretty tasty. It doesn't need more than that, and most places only garnish with one cherry. That's fine too. But, I'm a big believer of the phrase "a little in the middle" which means...going too big looks tacky, ostentatious, and semi-ridiculous. And doing the minimum looks like you just don't care enough to finish. 
So, three swizzled cherries does a little in the middle just fine. 
Be like Goldilocks and glam up your manhattan-just right. 

Old Fashioned:

The swankier cousin of the basic manhattan. This drink was originally called a whiskey cocktail and then became a whiskey old fashioned cocktail and lastly shortened to just- old fashioned. This drink has more swagger and is more complicated to make-when made right. Which, sad to say, is not the case, very often.
Just this weekend I was at a place in my little city and watched a tender mix an old fashioned. He's inexperienced. Nice guy-no doubt, but still learning. 
The correct way to make this cocktail-and garnish it has led to some debate. Tenders sometimes mix these two things up when they craft one.
But, trust me when I tell you that MY way IS the absolutely correct way to make the traditional version. There are others that have some variations, but none of them are the REAL deal. 
An old fashioned is this: 

A sugar cube OR a teaspoon of granulated sugar 
Half teaspoon of water
Three dashes of Angostura bitters
Muddle these ingredients in the bottom of a shaker until the sugar is mostly dissolved, pour two oz. of rye or bourbon whiskey over the muddle-stir well. Pour over ice cubes in an old fashioned or lowball class. 
(here's where the inexperienced bartender got confused and where a LOT of bartenders get confused)
Garnish with an orange twist after rimming the glass with the peel side, a maraschino cherry floater (non-swizzled), and a cinnamon stick. 
The bartender served a variation of the traditional version making it a fruited drink. He added the cherry and an orange slice to the bottom of the shaker with the bitters and the sugar and put it into the drink rather than just the bitters, sugar, and water. Some people like it this way, traditionalists-do NOT. And will send it back. 
Look, you can always add the fruit at the end as intended and the patron can add the flavor by stirring it in before he/she drinks, but if you muddle it in-you can't take it out. 
This is another chef comparison-you can always add more seasoning, but once it's in the dish, or sauce...you can't remove it. 
See why-a little in the middle-works-and makes a great drink. Trust me on this. The Old Fashioned Whiskey Cocktail is better with just a happy medium. 

This is missing the orange twist, but-whatever.

Martini:

We talked a little about this in a prior post. There are variations-but the traditional garnish is three olives on the swizzle. And that's it. Period. 
Variations can include lud-olives (blue cheese stuffed), Gibsons-three pearl onions on the swizzle in place of the olives. Or a lemon twist-glass rimmed with the rind-side and laid on the rim. 

Tropical drinks/blenders:

This is another big debatable subject. A traditional blender drink such as a daquiri gets a flag. What is a flag you ask? Glad you asked. 
A flag is a half moon orange slice with a maraschino cherry inside of it-speared with a swizzle and hooked to the rim of the glass with a paper umbrella. 
OR
A full orange wheel (full moon slice) with a slit on one side so it anchors to the rim of the glass, and a maraschino cherry floater with a paper umbrella. 
A margarita is always lime juice-soaked rim rolled in coarse salt with a full moon lime slice slit on one side and anchored to the rim. 
These drinks DO NOT get whipped cream. 
I know, the urge to add whipped cream to the tops of these drinks are just way too much for some, but-trust me when I say...just DON'T. Here's why. First of all, it's TOO MUCH. Remember? A little in the middle. 
It's a guideline to live by in terms of garnish. 
Secondly-it screws with the flavor profile of the drink by adding more sweetness and changes the texture by adding creaminess. When you add whipped to a strawberry daquiri for instance-it looks like shit. Literally-it looks like a big bird took a huge deuce on top of your cocktail. It separates and ends up a big, gross, puddle of white ice crap at the bottom of the glass. Not to mention...for a bartender it SUCKS to clean. It's unnecessary to the nth degree. Just don't. 

A traditional "flag" 

A blended margarita

Ice cream/dessert drinks:

Yum. Who doesn't like a grasshopper? If you haven't ever had one, I strongly recommend that you do. 
That said...ice cream blenders are where you DO want whipped cream and a cherry. Always. 
It should look and taste like a traditional hand dipped milkshake. Which is precisely what it is-only with booze. 
Win win. 
That said, variations on these are many. But the standard is always a dollop of canned whipped in a swirl and a cherry on top. 

Chocolate brandy alexander

Moscow Mules/Mojitos/Juleps:

Mint and lime. A fresh mint sprig, and a lime wheel on the rim. They enhance the entire flavor profile. True enough, you CAN muddle the mint in all of these as well. This is entirely subject to the whim of the tender. 
As for myself. I always muddle the mint to release the oil and stir the ice cubes with it before I pour the booze. It makes for a tasty beverage for all three. 

Mojito

Any drink with soda or tonic:

Lime or lemon twist-glass rimmed with the skin-side and laid on the rim. Some tenders use full 1/4 moon wedges. Either is fine, but to me-a twist always tastes better because the citrus oil is infused into the drink. It is more concentrated and powerful. The juice weakens as the ice melts down, whereas the oil from a rind twist never loses its flair or flavor. 

Champagne and all other Cocktails and mixers:

These typically are guided by the tender, or the owners. You can garnish a kir royale, for instance, with a fresh raspberry instead of the basic bitch maraschino. Any drink with a fruit juice can have the garnish that coincides with the fruit juice mixer or flavored alcohol. A cocktail mixed with a soft drink rarely gets a garnish unless it is requested, or if it is a cuba libre-which is a rum and coke WITH a wedge of lime making it a variance to a basic R&C. A greyhound is a vodka and grapefruit, but the variance is a salty dog which is a V&G with a coarse salt rim. This happens a lot-hence the reason for the post. The garnish on a cocktail is never just for looks-it almost always serves a purpose, or quite literally makes the drink what it is. 

Last but never least-

Bloody Mary:

The monstrosity that people have disgustingly made of a simple bloody mary-the piece de resistance of a fabulous brunch-is sacrilegious. Blasphemers, beware-this part of the post does not shy away from my disgust, and it is aimed directly AT YOU. 

A FUCKING bloody mary does NOT have ANY of the following things as garnish:

A FUCKING cheeseburger

FUCKING whole dill pickles

FUCKING pizza slices

FUCKING shrimp

ANY FUCKING fried food

Whole FUCKING roasted chickens

A FUCKING rack of ribs
OR any other thing that are NOT these things:

A small pickle spear
Olives
A lime wheel/wedge/or half moon
A celery plume or rib

I'll even give in and say one slice of fried bacon is okay-ONE

Like seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

A bloody mary has a seasoned salt, coarse salt, celery salt, seasoning rub, or bacon salt rim with any combo of the above ingredients. (NOT from the FUCKING first list, but the second above)

People who make bloody mary like their own personal gluttony buffet need to leave the profession of bartending altogether and start working in the kitchen at Applebees or some shit. A bloody mary is thick, but it is never a meal. 

Order an appetizer with your mary if you are peckish.
Don't ruin a perfectly good cocktail.
Also, go fuck yourself, big bad wolf- Shame on YOU. 

I can literally feel you getting fatter. 

Say it with me: A LITTLE IN THE MIDDLE. 

Now we're talking

As Brad Hamilton (who was totally employee of the month) says-learn it, know it, live it. 
Another Gen X reference-ask your mom. 

So, now you know what garnish goes where and why.
What to shy away from and what to do every time if you want to look like you know what TF you are doing. 
And you do, right? 

Yes. You. Do. 

Don't put a fucking cheeseburger on a bloody mary-but, anything else, we can negotiate on. 

Until next time, grasshoppers. 

Women are not chattel. 

XOXO, 

T